My Maybe Menopause


The period app on my phone says “39 days late”.

It’s not the longest I have gone between bleeds but something feels different.

Since I’m in my fifties, I am meant to expect menopause. It’s odd to even write that because I don’t feel like an old person. Most days I barely even feel like an adult. When the world went sideways, I stopped giving a hoot about being a worrisome grown up and now prioritize taking care of myself and others and playfully enjoying this journey. I have young friends and don’t even realize our age differences.

Apparently they are about to inherit my big stash of organic tampons.

I have experienced none of the common dreaded menopausal difficulties. Even though Myra teaches that negative symptoms are not natural I ask myself,

Could it be this uneventful?

I have been following a Hale Pule lifestyle for years so... perhaps the big shift is actually going to be this quiet.

Every woman I have heard says sporadic menstruation can go on for a long time before it truly stops.

But I have a sense that my physical libido is decreasing (my mind still delights over beautiful creatures tho). Then a couple weeks ago I woke up and found my lower lady parts had shrunk. There is no dryness, all the bits just got way smaller, seemingly overnight.

And my asana practice feels suddenly different. Most notably, forward folds have a new lightness of movement because my pelvis is rotating more easily. I think despite conscious effort to let my crotch turn and be exposed, there has been a subconscious fear ‘must-hide-and-protect-the-genitals’. Perhaps that evaporates when those parts stop being fertile…

I can intellectualize about the cool compensations and freedoms of becoming a crone, yet I cried during meditation this morning because it felt like some part of me is being lost. A sad self-pity wave rolled over me but by the end of pranayama and asana, the emotions were wrung out. I remembered our eternalness and returned to a cheerful perspective about change.

Thanks to a consistent albeit imperfect dinacharya, I think time has made me less fearful and more flexible with pretty much everything.

Navigating the ups and downs of life from a spiritual basis and making holistic lifestyle choices has opened me to a larger and softer capacity for the simple joy of being alive.

It’s tempting at times to let the vibrant life that sattvic choices has given me, lure me away from making sattvic choices.

I am grateful for the consistency and structure of Hale Pule’s message and for the lovely community of fellow travelers that help guide me back to this path that I want to follow.

These are strange times within me and the world, but fun adventure and appreciation of the mystery still lay ahead, if I am willing to look for beauty and stay open to the flow.

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